Gone with the Gale is a humorous, adult look at my all-time favorite book and movie, Gone with the Wind. It's not meant to be taken seriously or to defame any race, creed or color, so if you don't enjoy parodies, please, don't go on, y'all ! You may get the vapors !
Gone with the Gale was published in daily (M-F) installments in Dan the Man's publication, The Wizard of the Internet. To subscribe to this free, hilarious e-zine, adults only send e-mail to dan_the_man.
Gone with the Gale (GWTG)
16 year old Starlett O'Goldstein was bored. She was sitting on the veranda of her parent's Georgia plantation, Tora, entertaining the moronic red-haired Siamese Taffeta Twins. "Starlett, will you eat us at the barbeque at Thirteen Maples?", the twins said in unison. "I mean will you eat WITH us?", they stumbled. "No way ! I'm not about to eat you or eat with you in the near future, you imbeciles!", said an angry Starlett. "But, honey lamb, you jes have to eat barbeque with us or we'll surely die!", said the twins. "Dream on, dopes! I'm going to have every man at the barbeque, not just you two !", Starlett said loudly.
Starlett spied her father, Oscar O'Goldstein, riding toward Tora and rushed to meet him, leaving the twins to entertain themselves on the veranda. "Starlett, there's been talk ! Have you been chasin' after Assley Wilkins?", shouted Oscar. "Why no, Papa. Who said that?", Starlett asked innocently. "Everyone in the county's talkin' about you pantin' after Assley. I find it hard to believe it ain't true.", Papa said angrily. "Well, Papa, I guess you could say I was pantin' after him if you count the time I dropped my bloomers in the road and bent over when I saw him comin'", Starlett replied. "Girl, don't you know he's jes a Mama's boy! Why he jes got weaned a couple a month's ago! Anyway, he'd only go with you to get Tora", said Papa. "Tora, Tora, Tora !", said Starlett. "That's all you care about! I'm sick of hearing about Tora!" "Sophie Starlett O'Goldstein ! You don't mean that ! One day you'll find Tora is all you'll have !", said Papa. "Yeah, right, Papa !", a bored Starlett yawned.
Starlett had just chosen her most provocative frock for the barbeque, a low-cut red satin with bugle beads, when Mammy entered her room. "Lawd have mercy, chile ! Duz yuh wants da men tuh rape yuh! Take off dat dress ! Yuh looks like dat trash, Emmy Sluttery !", bellowed Mammy. "I'm gonna wear that dress whether you like it or not ! I like being noticed !", Starlett said petulantly. "Bein' noticed is one thin' and bein' attacked is another! You ain't wearin' dat dress. Yuh can wear dis nice gingham. Yuh can show yuhsef enough tuh all duh men in it", said Mammy with a gleam in her eye. "I'm not wearing the gingham! I'll hold my breath!", Starlett warned and took in as deep a breath as her stays would allow. "Now, honey lamb, you don'ts want to do dat. Take a breff now.", Mammy coaxed. "I'll only breath if you promise I can wear my red dress!", Starlett scrawled on a piece of paper. "I gives up ! Yuh can wears duh dress!", Mammy said, defeated for only a moment before saying, "Yuh has to eat a good breakfess before yuh goes to duh barbeque!" Starlett, still holding her breath, wrote, "I'm gonna eat like a hog at the barbeque, Assley loves to watch a woman chow down". Mammy's eyes opened wide and she said, "I's not gonna let yuh go to duh Wilkenses and eat like poh white trash on relief check day! I don't care if yuh turns blue!" Starlett's lungs were burning. She finally had to take a breath. "Alright, Mammy, I'll eat something, but not too much 'cause I want to show off my 12 inch waist". "That's not all you'll be showin' in dat dress. Your bosoms'll be hangin' out fo all da men to see!", Mammy said disgustedly. "That's what I'm counting on, Mammy!", an elated Starlett proclaimed. Mammy rolled her eyes heavenward and said to herself, "Lawd hep dat girl ! She's gonna get hersef in a fix !"
The men at the Thirteen Maples barbeque buzzed around Starlett like flies around an outhouse. Starlett was in her glory with all this male attention. As she went up the stairs in the mansion, she hiked up her dress to give all the men below a good view and noticed a dark, handsome man looking up her skirts. "Who is that man? I bet he's looked up a lot of skirts in his time.", Starlett asked a girl on the stairway. "Why, honey chile, that's Capt. Rhatt Buttress of Charleston. He's a real hunk a burnin' love according to all reports!", said the girl. While all the other young women were taking their afternoon siesta, Starlett went downstairs to find Assley and profess her love for him. Starlett found him in the library and said, "Oh, Assley ! Don't you know that I love you, I'd die for you"! Assley replied, "I kinda knew you liked me the day you dropped your bloomers in the road, but I wasn't all together sure". Starlett cried, "I love you, I love you, I love you, Assley"! Assley, appearing unmoved, said, "That's nice, dear, but I'm marrying my cousin Melody. You know, it's a Southern inbreeding kinda thing. You understand.". Starlett slapped him as hard as she could and Assley, after picking himself up off the library floor, left the room. Starlett picked up a huge potted fern and flung it at the mantel where it broke into a thousand pieces. "Damn, woman ! Where were you raised, a barn? Throwing other people's things around like that"! Rhatt sat up then and continued, "Miss Starlett, you didn't actually think the old bloomer trick and confession of mad love would work to snag Assley, did you? It's been done before by better women than you without success". Starlett, surprised and angry, spat, "You looked up my skirts earlier. That's the oldest trick in the book and you fell for it, big man"! Rhatt, laughing, said, "But I'm not an honorable man, my dear. I sneak a peek when and where I can. Assley is above such things". Starlett, laughing, said triumphantly, "He's a man, isn't he? I can have whatever man I please when I please". Rhatt, looking delighted with himself, said, "You can't have this man. Yet, anyway".
A rider raced up to Thirteen Maples and shouted, "Hey, y'all! The war's started! Let's play 'Dixie'"! Starlett stood on the stairs of the elegant house trying to figure out how she was going to pay for the damage she caused in the library. When she looked out the window she saw Assley kiss Melody and heard Melody break into a medley of "Dixie" and "Soldier Boy". "That medley is awful, isn't it?", said Chaz, Melody's brother. "Yeah, her singing sucks!", exclaimed Starlett. "Are you going off to war, Chaz"? "I 'spect so, we have to or we'll be hung", said Chaz. Starlett, only half listening to him, said, "Did you say you were hung? Let's get married, Chaz!". Chaz, excitedly, "Sure nuff, Miss Starlett! Let me go find your Papa and get his blessing for a quicky wedding!". Starlett said to herself, "Oops ! I think I misunderstood him!". Assley & Melody were married as Melody sang a medley of "You Belong to Me" and "We've Only Just Begun". Melody said to Starlett, "Would you like me to sing at your wedding to Chaz?". Starlett replied, "Oh, please ! Don't strain yourself, Melody!". "It wouldn't be any trouble at all, I love to sing medleys!". Starlett and Chaz were married as Melody sang a medley of "Feelings" and "You Light Up My Life".
Starlett soon found herself a widow when Chaz was killed by his own troops for being purely obnoxious. Starlett was depressed. She hated wearing black. She didn't look good in it. How was she going to snag another man dressed like that? Soon an idea popped into her wicked little head. Why not go to Atlanta and wait for Assley to come home on leave? Melody would be no match for her and Aunt Kittykat was as dumb as a post, so why not give it a try? Starlett began to cry crocodile tears and Mama, who was like putty in Starlett's hands, agreed she should go to Atlanta for a vacation. The only one who realized the truth was Mammy, who said to herself, "Lawd hep dat girl! She's gonna get hersef in a fix !" Now in Atlanta, Starlett found herself dressed in widow's garb at the "Let's Help the Confederacy Win This Damn War So We Can Keep Our Slaves" ball. She wanted to dance in the worst way and spied Rhatt Buttress across the room. He spotted her also, grinned and made his way across the room. A yute with a basket asked Melody and Starlett for their jewelry as a donation to the Confederacy and Melody, reluctantly, gave him her wedding ring while singing, "Band of Gold". Starlett, all too happy to donate her ring, threw it in the basket under the watchful eye of Rhatt. Dr. Neade soon began the slave auction of all the Southern belles to the highest bidder. Unfortunately for the buyer, all he got for his money was a dance. Rhatt bid for Starlett and was refused as she was in mourning, albeit fake mourning. Rhatt insisted, offered a wad of money big enough to choke a horse and the dance was his. "Melody, will you do "Tora Plantation" to get this ball off to a rousing start?", said the band leader. "Of course I shall!", said an excited Melody. Rhatt took Starlett in his arms just as the music began and Melody sang ...
***** Sung to the tune of Barry Manilow's "Copacabana" *****
Her name was Starlett
She came from Georgia
With green draperies on her back
and her dress cut down to smack
She would pick cotton
and do the plowing
And while she tried to pay the tax
Rhatt sent to her a fax
Across the miles it came
But much to Starlett's shame
He asked her for womanly favors
and ignited a flame !
At old Tora
The hottest spot South of the Mason
At old Tora
Slavery and cotton
Were never forgotten
At old Tora
They fell in love.
Starlett and Rhatt boogied while staring deep into each others eyes ...
When Assley came home on Christmas leave, Melody greeted him at the door with a medley of "Missing You" and "Make Love to Me". It was all Starlett could do to keep from barfing. She hadn't had a chance to see Assley alone the whole time he was on leave. What a bummer! Finally, the night before he was leaving, she caught him alone. "Assley, things are still the same. I love you, I love you, I love you!", Starlett sobbed. "Please don't get my new tunic all wet with your tears, my dear. Melody had to sing "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" to earn the cloth to make it.", Assley whined. "I'll stop crying. Let me give you your Christmas present.", said Starlett. "Very well, my dear, but you are aware there are no decent shops in the North, so I didn't buy you anything.", Assley said. "That's alright, Assley. Here's your present". Starlett offered him a gaily wrapped box and Assley slowly and carefully took the paper off so he could save it for his collection. "A new sash to go with my new tunic! And my favorite color of grey, too! How did you know I'd be needing one of these?", Assley cried. "Let me tie it on you, Assley". Starlett tied the sash around Assley's neck and threatened, "Kiss me, fool! I love you, I love you, I love you"! "You give me no choice, Starlett! If you don't let me go I'll have to resort to violence! I'll have to give you the dreaded Indian rope burn!", Assley screamed. "Is that the best you can do? An Indian rope burn! Ha!", Starlett said derisively. "How about a thump on the top of the head with my finger? How would you like that?", Assley challenged. "Oh please, NO! Not that! Papa does it to me and I hate it! It hurts! I'll let you go"! Starlett released her strangle hold on Assley. "Thank you for releasing me, Miss Starlett. Now I must go to bed and leave Melody with a child on the way so she can become a widow with a fatherless infant when I get my head shot off". "I still love you, Assley, even if you are going upstairs to satisfy another woman's needs while I'm down here looking through a Spencer's catalog and thinking about the look on your face when you open the surprise Christmas gift I slipped in your pocket. I only ask one thing. Please don't open the gift now, open it on your way to the station tomorrow". "I promise I won't open it until tomorrow", Assley replied. On his way to the train station, Assley slipped a small package from his pocket and opened it. It was a handmade pecker warmer in his favorite color of grey! The attached note read, "Dear Assley, keep it warm just for me! Luv ya, Starlett". "I can't believe this woman! Won't she ever see the truth?", questioned Assley on his way back to war ....
Dr. Neade confirmed it, Melody was indeed with child. Starlett rushed for the brandy decanter when she heard Melody singing, "I'm Having His Baby". Months passed like the creeping death with war raging around Atlanta. The night Sherman took Atlanta Melody went into labor. "Fine time you picked to have your kid, we're gonna get our butts shot off!", exclaimed Starlett. "Don' worry 'bout it, Miz Starlett. I knows all dere is to know 'bout bringin' babies. I's got a certificate from da ICS School of Midwifery!", Pissy exclaimed. "You better know what the hell you're doing or you're a marked woman!", screamed Starlett. Melody is heard from the bedroom singing, "Well let me tell you that it hurts so bad". "Don't worry, Melody! Pissy has a certificate from the ICS School of Midwifery. She'll handle the birth", Starlett said. Pissy took Starlett aside and said, "I lied to ya, Miz Starlett. My mama would never give me da money fo dat course. She say I better stop watchin' doz infomercials and start plantin' cotton"! Starlett beat the hell out of Pissy. Melody sang out, "Baby Love, my Baby Love!" and Starlett knew it was time. She delivered Melody's baby boy, Bleau, without a hitch. Atlanta was being evacuated. An exhausted Starlett sent the battered Pissy to look for Rhatt. Pissy found him at Nana Peel's House of Pleasures. "Mizter Rhatt! Miz Starlett needs ya to take her, me Miz Melody and baby Bleau to Tora! Yuh gots to come right now!", Pissy shouted. "Is she crazy? How the hell am I gonna do that? That woman expects miracles!", Rhatt said angrily. "Miz Starlett say dat if yuh come and fetch us she'll give yuh a big surprise in return!", Pissy said. "A big surprise, huh. Well, it better be a damn good one!", Rhatt exclaimed. An hour or two later, Rhatt showed up at Starlett's door with Man O' War pulling the finest carriage in all of Georgia. Starlett said, "Where the hell did you get that horse and carriage"? "I won it in a poker game with Sherman! Now, about that promise of a big surprise...", Rhatt said. "Not now, Rhatt. Have some couth!", shouted Starlett. "It's either now or you don't leave Atlanta, my dear!", Rhatt said angrily. "What's a poor Southern girl to do?", Starlett said pitifully.
Rhatt was more of a gentleman than he gave himself credit for, he didn't make Starlett put out for driving Melody, Baby Bleau, Pissy and her through a burning Atlanta. All he asked was a kiss before he went off to join the Confederate Army. "Starlett, I'm leaving you here. You can drive the rest of the way to Tora", Rhatt said. "Just like a man to leave you when you need him the most! Go ahead, join the Army and get your head blown off, it's of no consequence to me what you do!", Starlett whined. "Kiss me, you fool!", said an excited Rhatt, embracing Starlett tightly. As Rhatt and Starlett sucked face Melody awakened in the back of the carriage and sang, "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me". "So long, my dear! Good luck traveling through enemy territory with a sick woman, a newborn and your maid!", Rhatt shouted. Starlett drove Man O' War to a Tora devastated by war. Her father had taken to drinking after her mother ran off with a Yankee corset salesman, her sisters had the plague, practically all the slaves had gone North and the only thing left to eat was turnips. "Mammy, I hate turnips! Isn't there anything else in the pantry?", asked Starlett. "No, lamb, der ain't. Dats alls we got", Mammy said flatly. "That sucks! What's a poor, former Southern belle to do now?, Starlett exclaimed.
Starlett ran out in the field, pulled up some groaty-looking root vegetables, ate them, then barfed. She stood up, shook her fist at the sky and yelled, "God, you could have at least left us a few slaves to work this land so I could sit back, relax, drink a mint julep and eat chicken wings, ribs and grits!"
Starlett put them all to work making something they could sell, Beanie Babies. Even new mother Melody and Starlett's plague-ridden sisters had a daily production quota and they complained bitterly.
"That Starlett's so nasty, making us work our fingers to the bone while she sits on her butt on the veranda reading Soap Opera Digest!", said Starlett's sisters Soo-ey and Caraway.
One day Tora's old overseer, Ima Pigg, dropped by with his bride, the former Emmy Sluttery and a carpetbag full of money and offered to buy Tora for the taxes due. Starlett had a large Beanie Baby hidden behind her back and threw it at him! "You're nothing but trash, get off my land!", Starlett screamed.
Starlett's father became agitated, leaped on his horse and chased after Ima & Emmy. Unfortunately, he miscalculated the distance when jumping the last fence, landed in the newly built giant Jacuzzi and drowned.
"Mammy, I don't have enough money to pay the taxes on Tora. I spent it on the cable TV subscription!", Starlett moaned.
"I dun tols yuh tuh pays da taxes first, Miz Starlett!"
"What am I to do?", wondered Starlett.
Mister Assley was home from the war, dirty, lice-ridden, but still attractive to Starlett. He was of no use in coming up with an idea of how to pay Tora's taxes, mumbling something to Starlett about "his dreams being Gone with the Gale" when she asked him to run away to Alaska with her. She knew she'd have to come up with an idea on her own. After much thought, Starlett came up with a brilliant scheme! She would get the money for the taxes on Tora from Rhatt, but she had to get gussied up first. All her clothes were ruined, but there was one good rug left in Tora. She would have Mammy sew her an outfit from that rug! "Mammy, you can make that rug over can't you?", asked Starlett. "Is yuh crazy, gal? I cain't do dat, I ain't got no fixens for sewin'!", Mammy bellowed. "You can manage, Mammy. You're a whiz with a needle!", Starlett said with a smile. "Now, deres no need to suck up, Miz Starlett! Ole Mammy will do duh bes' she cain.", Mammy said flatly. Mammy whipped up a dreamy dress with an intriguing Persian pattern, matching hat and parasol for Starlett from Tora's old rug. "This dress is itchy, Mammy!", whined Starlett. "Well, it ain't my fault yuh picked a wool rug for me tuh make it from, Miz Starlett. I's good, but even I cain't stop duh wool from itchin' yuh!", Mammy said then added, "We better be off tuh Atlanta tuh get dat bad Rhatt Buttress to give yuh dat tax money a fore we's all out on our asses!" "You're going to Atlanta with me, Mammy"? "Yes, I has to go so yuh don' get yessef in a fix!", Mammy exclaimed. Porky drove Starlett & Mammy to Atlanta where they found Rhatt in jail playing strip poker with the Yankee soldiers. Rhatt was doing rather well, Starlett noticed, he had all his clothes on. "Damn!", she thought to herself, "Why couldn't he be losing? I have no luck!". "Hello, Father Rhatt", Starlett said. "Hello, my child", replied Rhatt. The Yankee soldiers didn't really believe Rhatt was a priest, but what the hell, they let him take Starlett to his cell. "What brings you to see me, Starlett? Don't think you can fool me wearing that rug. I recognize it, the Wilkinses had one just like it!", Rhatt said triumphantly. "I need money to pay the taxes on Tora. Give it to me, you vile creature!", shouted Starlett. "My money's in a Swiss bank account. Do I look like a fool to you? Anyway, what are you offering as collateral? Yourself?", Rhatt questioned. "Forget it! I'll get the money some other way! You'll never have me!", Starlett cried. "Don't bet on it, honey. You'll lose!", Rhatt laughed. Outside the jail Starlett ran into her sister Soo-ey's fiance, well-off Frankly Fop. Mammy watched wide-eyed as Starlett put her hand in the pocket of Frankly's trousers and Frankly immediately responded with a marriage proposal. "How'd she do dat? What she do tuh dat man to gets him to marry her?", Mammy wondered. Starlett smiled widely and thought, "That little trick the Siamese Taffeta Twins taught me sure did work with Frankly. I'll be rolling in dough from now on!". "Dat gal's gonna go tuh da debil if she keeps up wif what she's doin'", said Mammy to herself. Frankly and Starlett walked slowly down the street. Her hand was in his pocket and a grin on was on his face.
Frankly and Starlett's marriage was doomed from the start. She couldn't keep walking around with her hand in the pocket of his pants all the time! He did have a lot of loot, though and that made her happy. She built the world's largest Beanie Babies factory using Taiwanese labor, which angered her assistant manager, Assley. "Why should you have your anus in an uproar, Assley? You had slaves before the War. What's so different about this?, asked Starlett. "We were kind to our slaves and would have set them free eventually.", Assley said meekly. "Bat shit, Assley! You enjoyed having the darkies do all your work while you sat on the veranda reading one of those history books you love so.", Starlett said angrily. "Do what you want, I don't care.", Assley said quietly. Starlett did exactly as she pleased, even to the point of driving her new surrey with the fringe on top through Shittytown, the local slums. One day she was stopped by a man in a trench coat. "Get out of my way! I'm goin' through!", Starlett screamed. "Not until you see what's under my coat, dearie!", said the strange man. Out of the corner of her eye Starlett recognized Tora's former foreman, Shaft, standing along the side of the road. "Shaft, help! This pervert is bothering me!", yelled Starlett. "Leave da lady alone or I blow yuh away! Yuh knows nobody messes wit' Shaft!", he said menacingly. (Isaac Hayes' "Theme From Shaft" is heard playing in the background.) The flasher took off for points unknown. "Yous OK now, Miz Starlett. Yous safe wit' Shaft!". "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!", said Starlett. "I's gonna drive yuh home now, Miz Starlett", said Shaft. That evening the women folk were all gathered for a concert by Melody when Starlett said, "How come the men don't have to listen to this drivel? If I have to they should to!". Assley's sister, Innocence, who hated Starlett for marrying her beau Chaz said, "You idiot! They're hiding at Chimes Gatling's place. Rhatt took them there after they raided Shittytown tonight in defense of your questionable honor! If the Yankees find them, they're up shit creek!". Time passed slowly, VERY slowly as Melody entertained the group of ladies with selections by Nana Mouskouri and Boxcar Willie. Just as the women were becoming semi-comatose, a knock came at the door. Mammy opened the door to find Rhatt, Dr. Neade, Assley & a few Yankee soldiers all in a state of drunkenness. "We found these guys at Chimes' place, Ma'am. We know they're guilty as sin, but Chimes and her girls convinced our platoon just to bring 'em on home to you. Chimes is very persuasive!", said the Yankee captain with a smile. "I'll have to send her a thank you note!", Melody said sweetly. Rhatt carried Assley into the room as he had fainted from the excitement. "Starlett, aren't you wondering where Frankly is?", asked Rhatt. "Not really, but if you want to tell me, go ahead.", Starlett said flatly. "He's at Chimes Gatling's place deader than a doornail from a massive Viagra overdose. You'll never find a coffin big enough to hold him.", Rhatt said. "Oh well, I'm a widow again, but at least this time I'm rich!", Starlett said happily.
Rhatt decided to ask Starlett to marry him before she made another hapless victim her husband. "Starlett, let's get hitched! We could have such a marvelous life together!", Rhatt exclaimed." "You know I'm in love with Assley, I'm hot for him, he's in my blood, he's my everything!..." Rhatt interrupted her, "I get the drift, Starlett. You don't have to go into the gory details". (The "Rhatt & Starlett are about to make fatal statements Theme" swells in the background.) "I'll make you love me, Starlett"! (The music reaches a crescendo and cymbals crash.) "You can try, but I doubt I'll ever love you, Rhatt"! (The cymbals crash again.) Rhatt & Starlett married and went to Hawaii for their honeymoon. "This roast pig and poi is great, Rhatt! Grab that native with the tray of pineapple desserts, I want to try them all!", Starlett said joyfully. The only thing that marred their trip was Starlett's recurrent nightmare about her father's accidental drowning in the Jacuzzi, but even that wasn't so bad with Rhatt to comfort her. He was an absolute stud in the sack and he could make her forget almost anything. She was amazed she didn't have to fake it with him like she had to with Chaz & Frankly. Shortly after coming back to Atlanta, where Rhatt had built her a palatial home and completely restored Tora, Starlett realized her period was late. "Mammy, send Pissy to Wal-Mart for a pregnancy test kit, will you?", Starlett asked. "You's in trouble now, Miz Starlett! Mizter Rhatt's gonna kill yuh daid fo havin' a baby wit' Mizter Assley!", Mammy said. "Mizter Rhatt is the father! What kind of woman do you think I am?", Starlett asked indignantly. "I knows whats kinda woman you is, Miz Starlett. Dats why I assed yuh about da baby's pappy", Mammy said smugly.
Rhatt was a very nervous father-to-be. Mammy thought he needed Dr. Neade more than Starlett who was having a very easy time watching Guiding Light while in labor. "Mammy, do you ever wear that garter belt I got you?, Rhatt asked. Mammy hiked up her skirts slowly to reveal a bright red satin garter belt with black lace trim. "You do like me, don't you, Mammy?", Rhatt said with a grin. "I likes yuh alright, Mizter Rhatt. You ain't so bad!", Mammy said. From the next room, they heard a cry! It was Starlett telling Melody to can her corny rendition of "There's a Brand New Baby at Our House". A few moments later another cry was heard. It was Melody's muffled scream as Starlett choked her. "I can't stand these false alarms, Mammy", said Rhatt as drank his third decanter of Jack Daniels. Mammy went into Starlett's room to investigate. Finally, a small sound was heard. The child had arrived! Mammy announced to Mizter Rhatt he had a beautiful daughter. Melody looked at the baby and said she reminded her of her favorite doll as a child, Baloney Blue Bells. Rhatt exclaimed, "That will be her name, Baloney Blue Bells Buttress"! "Hey, whatever!", said Starlett, "She's your kid"! Rhatt was determined to gain the community's approval for Baloney's sake and sucked up to every fat cat he could find, so by the time the child was 5 or so, Rhatt had become a pillar of society. Starlett's reputation, on the other hand, was not so sterling.
Starlett was determined not to have more children and asked Rhatt to vacate the bedroom. "One kid's enough, Rhatt. You don't need another one to spoil. Baloney's so bratty there's hardly a soul that can stand to be around her more than 5 minutes". "You could get the Pill from Dr. Neade, Starlett. I know the real reason you don't want to bed me is that Assley is still an all-consuming passion with you. I can always eat out at Chimes Gatlings'"! "Bon appetite!", said Starlett. Rhatt exited the room & Starlett locked the door behind him, which angered him immensely. He threw himself against the door which didn't budge. "Damn! That hurt like hell!", said Rhatt as he slid to the floor. Starlett, laughing hysterically, said, "I had steel reinforcements put in that door just this morning! Do you have a boo-boo?". "Smart ass! Revenge is sweet!", shouted Rhatt. "You'll never have me again, Rhatt Buttress!", yelled Starlett. "That's what you think, sister!", said Rhatt to himself as he hurled his tan, muscular body at the door with all his virile strength. The door gave way! Rhatt took Starlett in his arms and said, "You can have that wimp, Assley, but don't ever forget I can have you any time I please! Steel reinforcements, dead bolts and Master locks won't keep me out"! Rhatt tossed Starlett aside and strode out of the room triumphantly. Starlett thought to herself, "I wonder if he really means what he just said? If he does I'm in some deep shit now!".
Starlett forgot Rhatt's threat soon enough & pranced around Atlanta with Assley as her escort, making tongues wag. Rhatt soon heard the rumors and got himself good and drunk at Chimes Gatlings'. "Rhatt, you know I love you. Why don't you come and live at my cathouse with me?", said Chimes. "I have to think of Baloney, Chimes. She's got to have a chance in life. I'm going to try to make amends with Starlett". "You're a fool, Rhatt Buttress! A studly handsome fool, but still a fool! I hate to break it to you, sweetheart, but that kid of yours is a little brat and your wife is a piece of goods! Get rid of 'em !", Chimes said in her best Mae West voice. "I have to go back to them, Chimes"! "OK, Rhatt, but I'll be waitin' for you to come back a devastated man!", Chimes said as Rhatt staggered towards home. Starlett found Rhatt at the dining room table totally whacked when she arrived home from a late night at Colonel Sander's cock fights with Assley. "How was your night!", slurred a drunken Rhatt. "You're blitzed! I'll talk to you after you sober up!", said Starlett and started up the stairs to her bedroom. "I'm not drunk enough that I can't carry you up the stairs and ravage you!", shouted Rhatt. "You couldn't get it up with a tire pump!", Starlett screamed. Rhatt stumbled towards Starlett. He couldn't manage to pick her up, but he was able to drag her up the stairs and into the bedroom where he made wild, passionate love to her. The next morning, Starlett was singing "Do It 'Til You're Satisfied" when Rhatt entered the room. "My apologies for last night, it was the smell of Colonel Sanders that attracted me!", sneared Rhatt. "Forget it! What the hell do you want this morning?", Starlett asked. "I want you to pack Baloney's clothes. I'm taking her to Mexico, away from all this gossip about Assley and you. You suck as a mother, Starlett!", Rhatt said. "Go ahead and take her, I don't care what you do! Just don't bring her back with a good case of Montezuma's revenge for me to cure!", Starlett replied.
Bratty Baloney wasn't happy in Mexico. "Daddy, why can't we go back to Atlanta? Mexico sucks! How many hat dances can a person stand? I hate tortillas and refried beans! Chihauhaus are the ugliest dogs I've ever seen. Can I have a cat?", Baloney said in one breath. "Anything your little heart desires, dear. We'll go back to Atlanta", said Rhatt. Upon their arrival home, Baloney rushed toward her mother, bypassed her and went straight to the stables to visit her pony, KillYaDead. "I see Baloney hasn't changed much", Starlett said. "You look positively awful, Starlett! Hasn't the Avon lady been making her regular visits?", Rhatt said with a laugh. "Beanie Baby sales are way down, Rhatt. My business is in the outhouse". "What about Assley, the wonder boy? Doesn't he help?", asked Rhatt. "He spends the day writing poetry mostly. He's taking a correspondence course to become a hairdresser", said Starlett. "I tried to tell you about him. Are you going to his birthday party tonight after all the gossip?", Rhatt said. "I can't, Rhatt! I just can't!", Starlett cried. "You have to show up for Baloney's sake!", Rhatt shouted. Rhatt dragged her upstairs and made her put on the dress she hated the most, the white lace one that reminded her of Bette Davis' dress in "Jezebel". "Try to look virginal tonight! I know it'll be a hardship for you, but do it anyway! And don't put on so much makeup, shoot for innocent.", Rhatt demanded. Rhatt escorted Starlett to the door and left her there to face the music alone. She was greeted by Melody who sang, "What Kind of Fool Am I?". Melody forced her guests to accept Starlett & the party went pleasantly, except for the part when Assley insisted on giving Mrs. Neade a permanent. Starlett was sitting on the veranda the next morning reading the National Enquirer and was joined by Rhatt who inquired how the party went. "Melody's such a little dope, she welcomed me back into the fold!" Starlett said. "Melody knows a lot more about what's going on than you give her credit for, Starlett". Baloney was riding KillYaDead around the yard, near the newly built giant Jacuzzi ...
Starlett looked up from the Enquirer and said to Rhatt, "Make Baloney get away from that Jacuzzi! You know that's how my father was killed!". Just as Starlett spoke, KillYaDead stopped suddenly and threw Bratty Baloney Blue Bells Buttress into the giant Jacuzzi, where she was killed instantly. A lavish funeral was planned with Mahalia Jackson and Melody as featured vocalists. Melody sang, "The Wicked Witch Is Dead" while Mahalia chose the more traditional, "Amazing Grace". Soon after her solo, Melody collapsed and asked to be taken home to kick the bucket. Starlett & Rhatt went to say their last goodbyes. Melody asked to speak to Starlett. Dr. Neade ushered her into the death chamber and Melody whispered, "Please see that little Bleau goes to college. Please help Assley open up a shop of his own to do hair, he wants it so much. Please keep your hands off my husband or I'll haunt you forever! You have a stud muffin at home, treat him right!". Melody sang, "I'm Leavin' on a Jet Plane" and croaked. When Starlett left Melody's room she rushed to Assley's side to comfort him and a sickened Rhatt couldn't stand to watch. He left without a word. "What am I going to do, Starlett? My life is over! Hairdressing doesn't even have meaning for me now!", whined Assley. Starlett was confused, then the truth finally dawned on her. Assley really had loved Melody all those years and she loved Rhatt. Starlett ran through the mist and found a note pinned to the front door. It read, "Starlett -- Hate you! Hate Atlanta! Taking Mammy with me! -- Rhatt". Starlett wandered aimlessly through the empty house, then she got an idea! She'd go back to Tora! She could always scheme better there than in Atlanta. She would figure a way to track them down, after all, how hard could it be to find a Southern man traveling with a Mammy who wears the biggest red satin garter belt in all of Georgia!".
DUH END !!!
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